|Sentosa where the fun never ends...Just shoot me
Singapore where the rules never end
Singapore¼s like Disneyland with the death penalty
You smoke a joint---They kill you.
You smoke a joint and throw the roach away--They kill you
then fine you $500 for littering.
I was talking to a tour guide who told me Sentosa's Chinese for "Empty your fucking wallet Moron" Apparently before it was called Sentosa, it was called something in Chinese that translates to "The island beyond Death." It was the graveyard for old Singapore. The funny thing is that they have a treasure hunt on here at the moment. Don't dig too deep kids Dig up a dead person and win $25,000....Welcome to club dead. The Japanese used to torture prisoners here on the island They used to tie them to chairs and make them watch fountain shows every half hour until their brains melted.
They had this other torture where they'd make the prisoners wait, like an hour and a half then stuff them in boxes, move them 100 yards or so, then make them wait 2 more hours before sticking them next to a fish tank for 5 minutes. Thank God thats over.
Have you checked out the Tour Guides over here, they're really scary. One tour guide can completely control like 3 bus loads of people at a time. Its amazing how something as simple as an umbrella can change a person. Instant Nazi--"Ok, I've got the umbrella--everyone follow me--We're going over here now. Come on! Come on!"
There's little old ladies with plastic hips, they can't keep up they fall off to the sides of the paths into bushes. Little old Japanese lady lying there wailing "Gominasai Nai" The umbrella Nazi does a head count, comes rushing back, starts yelling into the bushes in Japanese. "You stupid crippled old Bat! Get up, Every ones waiting for you. You should be ashamed of yourself--I'm sick of you Just give me your wallet and you can crawl back to the bus by yourself. See you back there in two hours. And its your own fault you're going to miss the water slide."
2 sentosa standup
Imagine the tour guide at home still holding the umbrella. "Hello dear, I'm home, Lets all go into the living room to watch TV. The TV was bought a year ago, you¼ll notice it has a remote control with buttons that control the channels and volume, OK I'm going into the kitchen to make myself a sandwich--Hurry everyone, Don't dawdle Now I think I'll go into the bathroom for a huge crap, Come along." He goes to bed still holding the umbrella (The umbrella's actually super glued to their hand when they graduate from Tour guide school) He rolls over in the middle of the night and his wives eyeball gets stuck on the end of his umbrella. Next morning. "Thank you dear--Very original, Very distinctive, now come along everyone, follow the eyeball."
Singaporians are not so much anal retentive as anal redundant. Its only on their 18th birthday that the locals are at last issued with a licence to shit.
They usually gold plate the first one and use it as ID to buy booze
© MARTIN EWEN 1998
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